Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting.
This is our ‘Validate’ episode, where in the second episode of each month we hear a parenting story, with the hope that sharing the first hand experiences of others who are parenting can make you feel seen and validated in your own experiences. Let’s begin.
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Abbie: Today, I am joined by Melanie, who is a parent to one teenage child. Hello, Melanie. Thanks for being here.
Melanie: Hi, Abbie, and thanks for having me on your CosmoParenting session.
Abbie: I’m so looking forward to hearing from you today about Order and Chaos. So just broadly, Melanie, what’s your story around order and chaos in your parenting world?
Melanie: So first of all, my little parenting life is about 18 years old. And pretty, let’s just say, a just normal family with dad, mom, and then obviously the now teenager.
And my partner then passed away last year, which was quite a sudden change in the family dynamics. Also, four years ago, my mom suffered from a serious stroke. So there’s another change that was in. And my support system seemed to have just fallen…not fallen away completely because yes, we do have other little structures in place. But yes, my main man was not there anymore. And it left me in that place of being, so what next?
So that’s pretty much my world and how that dynamic had changed. And that was, I think, the greatest chaos in our little world.
Abbie: Yeah, yeah, that certainly sounds chaotic. And I think people can probably imagine that feeling. And, you know, our very last theme of this year is going to be ‘Change.’ And I think that is- I’ll, you know, save that conversation for that time- but it does, you know, overlap with this ‘Order and Chaos’ conversation a bit in terms of using it as a lens and really trying to learn to be flexible and adaptable, because there are things in your family life that you just absolutely cannot control. And so it can’t be ‘Order’ a hundred percent of the time.
Melanie: Yeah. No, absolutely. So, I’m just thinking, too, that I very jokingly say that we have a daily dance that starts the morning. Which even in that very day after I now woke up as mom alone in a home, it was waking up, having that coffee.
So, obviously, the teenager is of the age where she joins in on that coffee. So having that coffee, regardless of the mood, there’s a little bit of music going. Whether the teenager’s grunting or whether there’s a bit of light conversation or serious conversation, that’s how the day will start.
And that is a saving grace- just having a little bit of routine and not veering from that routine too much. Yes, things do happen. But that routine has just been something that made the start of the day, start of every day, it just gave it that I know what I’m doing. Sometimes I need to go on autopilot and that just does help.
Abbie: Yeah, I imagine that that is helpful for both you and your child to create smaller moments of order within a larger feeling of chaos. I’m curious how you relate to that of this like dual experience of teaching or helping your child through a chaotic time at the same time that you’re also helping yourself through it and experiencing that same chaos.
Melanie: So I’m saying that order, it’s for me too. I said, that’s my morning dance and routine. So regardless of whoever is around me, I need to start my day like that.
There has to be the get up. And I think I’ve been doing this for years. I get up, it’s bathroom routine, it’s get dressed, make up the bed, go down, have a coffee. But I’m one of those bodies, as well, that my mouth opens and works and the brain starts going before my feet hits the ground.
Abbie: Yeah, yeah.
Melanie: So that was a big glitch in the thing is I didn’t have anybody to yap, yap to. So, I now have a little journal next to the bed. And I still greet Ishclor every single morning, but I just write it in the journal. So for everybody, not just because of this chaotic situation that now came about in our life. It’s been something I have been doing. Probably didn’t notice it up until this time. It was just, you know, you just do things. You go on autopilot. You’re a single body. You don’t think about anything else.
Now it’s made me think. Even now there’s an extra element to the getting ready. It’s getting ready for mom and the carer’s day, ensuring lunches and all the snacks are all out before I can head off and do my thing. So it’s just being aware of those little tools or skills that you’ve already been practicing.
Just think about what you have been doing and realize that you’ve actually got your own answer there. It’s just something you haven’t quite locked in as, hey, this is a tool in my kit. And I think this past year and a bit has actually made me realize that I have got something. It definitely has its purpose.
And I’m thinking the teen is also now kind of picked up on that morning routine. Coffee is like a, we have to. We have to have your coffee. We have to have a breakfast. And then you head out for the rest of your day, whatever it may be.
Abbie: Yeah, you referenced your mom earlier. Are you caregiving for her?
Melanie: So we are all in one home. So mom is there. I’m full-time carer.
Abbie: I just want to bring this up as something that I think we’ve kind of touched on in a couple other stories so far this series, but not really gone into the specific (again, using the lens of this month)- the specific order and chaos of even though this whole CosmoParenting is about your identity as a parent to a child, you are also still the child of a parent while you are also… so you’re in this kind of in-between.
I think that’s an experience that a lot of people have trouble navigating of balancing these demands on either side of your life of you as a parent and your own parents and not everyone’s parents live with them. But, you know, a lot of people I think probably navigate similar situations to you. And what I’m hearing and what you’re saying is that in all of these things that pull for your attention, particularly now that all of the responsibility rests on you as a single parent, that it’s really important for you to have that moment to connect to yourself before you can connect to your other relationships in the most meaningful way.
Melanie: Yeah, you know, that is… it’s definitely a true point that I know I don’t often have the chance to have much time in a day to have it all a Mel thing. So another thing is driving to work. And there’s a lot of breathing that goes on. And I speak to Ishclor.
So I don’t have a radio in my car, so I would perhaps either just hum something myself or I have conversations with myself. I am a bit of a talker. But that’s all little bits or points of sanity savers that helps me. I said, actually speaking to you, it’s like, oh, okay, so that must be another tool.
Not quite aware of it, but it is just in conversation and sharing with others you realize that- hey, I have got something. I shouldn’t feel too lost. I just need to hone in on those things and remember that I’ve got it. I have got it.
And once you do, be intentional about practicing it again.
Abbie: Mmhmm. Is there anything else generally you want to say to parents listening about order and chaos?
Melanie: I would think that especially when there’s a young adult involved. So my teen is 17 years old and it is amazing that they move from being this child totally in need of you to this child who is now in a space to support you.
Do not underestimate your teenager. One instance was I wasn’t feeling well on a weekend. The first time I was really ill, I needed to be shopping. I was caring for mom. But I needed supplies in the home. And this child was like, mommy, the online shopping app…
It was like, oh, my heavens. That easy. That easy!
So, yes, you have that teen. They’re just bulging between child and adult. But there’s a little voice of reason in there, too. And just remembering that they are watching you as you are parenting them. They are picking up little things that sometimes you lose sight of along that journey. But they are sitting taking notes.
And I start to think- Oh thank heavens I have a child that actually knows what to do. When I don’t know what to do. And then obviously, there’s my saving grace. So yes I’m thankful that.
There are times that I think I am a reasonable parent. And those demonstrations. It rubs off on the teen, so I believe I am leaving little nuggets of good parenting skills and however it is displayed or demonstrated in their life later on it’s there. So that’s a little bit about the order and chaos in my life.
Abbie: Yeah, that was so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that on the end, Melanie. And thank you for sharing everything you have today. And to everyone listening, thank you for joining us too. Don’t forget to check out www.cosmoactivities.com for our other resources in this series. And be sure to comment on this podcast episode on the CosmoParenting Substack. We are so grateful to be on this journey with you, and we will look forward to joining you next week for our ‘Animate’ episode.
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